By JIMMY D / Best of JimmyD - Jimmy is 3| Jimmy's archive

Scumbag, dolt, twit, shit-for-brains, purveyor of “irrelevant blabble.”

Jimmy D has been called quite a few things since he first picked up his pen and began firing off weekly tips, banter and advice.

It was exactly three years ago today that the first Jimmy column graced (defiled) the pages of this newspaper.

It’s a tough chore trying to make a once-per-week column a timely, relevant and useful read, especially with the Internet making fantasy news travel quickly.

So in between imparting real fantasy wisdom and offering rational analysis and advice, Jimmy has veered off on occasion to more general topics. His misadventures in Las Vegas, his trips to pro sports games around the world, his intellectual sparring matches with Mrs. Jimmy all made cameo appearances in this space.

Jimmy has detailed his sightings of LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony at the blackjack tables, Manute Bol at the buffet line, Ron Jeremy at the poker table, Reggie Jackson, Joe Montana and Mike Ditka at conferences and poker guru Daniel Negreanu at an after-hours billiards game.

But one thing Jimmy has learned in the course of 150 articles is that tormenting baseball (pointing off its troubled recent past and present) is certain to draw the ire of baseball purists and apologists.

Psycho-blabble

From last summer:
“Hey Jimmy, I just have to tell you Jimmy’s column sucks. Fantasy expert, that’s pretty funny. I read every sports article and I continue to read yours just to see how (crappy) it is again this week. Jimmy has zero good tips and primarily writes about things that are not related to fantasy sports. And his third-person act is a direct rip-off from Seinfeld. Give it up, man; you’re ruining that episode for me. Nice sunglasses too, like your writing needed anything to compliment your (scumbag) image. I’m done reading your self-serving, irrevelant blabble.”
All because Jimmy picked on baseball. Sheesh. I never was able to determine what “blabble” was, either.

What happens in Vegas…

Is supposed to stay in Vegas, but Jimmy’s misadventure after an evening of quaffing tequila-laced beverages was too good to keep quiet.

“Jimmy returned to his hotel room one night for some shut-eye after an evening of pops, but when he awoke, he was alarmed to find himself standing alone in a stairwell. This was very strange since he thought he had gone to sleep in his bed. More alarming still was the fact he was wearing only his skivvies.

Unsure of where he was and how he got there, he tepidly opened a doorway leading to rooms on the 26th floor. This, too, was disturbing since Jimmy was staying on the 29th floor and obviously not taken his hotel room key before embarking on his little sleepwalk. I'm sure there are comical security camera images of half-awake, half-sober, half-clothed Jimmy wandering aimlessly.”

Tread-milling carefully

Jimmy had another road-trip misadventure in 2005, again after swigging a few “pops” the night before. He was on a fitness kick at the time and decided to wake up early and hit the treadmill for a nice five-mile run.

“Disembarking from the machine proved more eventful. And painful. Jimmy’s treadmill at home shuts down almost immediately, reducing the belt’s speed to almost nil. Jimmy’s practice is to step lightly on the belt and hop off when he's done. The treadmill in Montreal didn’t slow down quite as quickly, so when Jimmy stepped on the belt, he lost his balance just a bit and got slung down and bounced off the back of the machine.

(Yes, just like the guy in the TV commercial who slammed up against the wall.) Fortunately, Jimmy’s hurtling body did not smash through the glass divider separating the gym area from the pool, otherwise this could have been a real bloody mess. But unfortunately, Jimmy became wedged between the window and the still spinning treadmill belt. The result was a nice little burn on Jimmy’s shin. For you home renovators out there, imagine holding a belt sander against your leg for a few seconds to see how much skin you can scrape off.”

On the money

Sometimes Jimmy nailed his predictions. From July of 2005:

“Jim Thome – You’d think with minor-league hulk Ryan Howard looming as a threat to his job that Thome would produce. Maybe his silly contract ensures he must play because he is un-tradeable.  Whatever the case, Thome has lurched to a pathetic .207 batting average with no power numbers and is now on the DL. The aforementioned Howard, who is destroying Triple A pitchers, is in the lineup this week.”
Of course, Howard won Rookie of the Year for his second-half excellence, then followed it up with an MVP award for good measure.

And in April of 2004, Jimmy was rolling with his March Madness picks and baseball predictions and got this email of contrition.

“Sorry for calling you an idiot in that email over your UConn prediction for the NCAA Final Four. It turns out I actually used your suggestions and won my bracket contest by a mile. While I’m at it, I might have been a bit over the line with that ‘stupid twit’ comment, after you told everyone A-Rod wouldn’t be your first pick in the MLB draft. I guess an 0-12 weekend vs. Boston and a .156 BA so far isn’t exactly MVP material.”
Your welcome.

Sometimes, he bombed them.

In September of 2004:

“Canada will not win World Cup of Hockey gold. Sweden will.”
Jimmy heard it loud and often after this unpatriotic blunder proved false.

And in April of 2005:

“Matt Riley, late-bloomer lefty has been dynamite for Baltimore. Get him if you can.”
Oh well.

You win some and lose some.

We just try to stay busy and stay lucky.

We’ll be back next week with March Madness preview and links to come contests where you can profit from Jimmy’s advice.

Jimmy D