By JIMMY D / Fantasy football injury report | Jimmy's archive

Bird flu! Bird flu!

Run for your life! Shoot all the ducks! It's the bird flu!

Jimmy doesn't usually stray too far from the fantasy flock in this space, but the rampant paranoid quacking in the media about ducks with snotty beaks and high temperatures is starting to get on Jimmy’s nerves.

A duck in Kamloops gets the flu and they slaughter the flock? Now a duck somewhere in Nova Scotia has the flu? Got a news flash for you, folks: ducks get the flu. Most times it’s the regular old drake-fever, nothing a little extra liquids and some NyQuil can’t fix right up.

It’s not always that nasty, possibly pandemic-inducing variety in East Asia.
I imagined an exchange like this out on the local pond.

“Gee, Donald, you’re not looking too good today. You coming down with something?”

“Ah, no Daffy, feeling fine. Yup, no worries, no bird flu here, no siree. Let’s go get some moldy bread from those kids over there.”

The point is, you don't have to blast all the ducks out of the air. Although anyone who drafted Sergei Fedorov or former Moosey J.S. Giguere might be wishing they hadn't pulled the trigger on drafting those Mighty Ducks.

This brings me around to my point (thanks for reading far enough to see if I actually had one). I was scanning my pool rosters on the weekend and suddenly, this psychotic fear of diabolical poultry and water fowl started making some sense.

The Mighty Ducks have been pathetic, Fedorov's play was so sickly they ran him out of town and Giguere had a mysterious "hamstring" injury. Maybe it wasn't ham-related injury at all, rather a bird-flu-style chicken wing disorder.

I started thinking some more about my bird-brained theory. How about Nik Khabibulin and the rest of the Blackhawks? They are birds and all struggling mightily. Hmmmm.

The Red Wings got off to a flying start, but have been grounded of late. Then, the bizarre and frightening Jiri Fischer heart palpitation thing that left the studly blueliner near death in the bench.

Bird flu? Maybe.

I wondered if Penguins could get bird flu? These flightless NHL birds have certainly been waddling along, despite the stellar play of Sid The Kid. It might explain the sudden "stomach virus" that sidelined Mario this week and the nauseating numbers produced by alleged fantasy stud Sergei Gonchar.

By now, Jimmy was getting paranoid and wondering aloud about bird flu running amok in the NFL as well.

How else to explain the Eagles? T.O. has always been a turkey, but his behaviour in Philly this year went far beyond his usual chirping. And that defense! The lineup that sent just about every player to the Pro Bowl last year can't stop anyone.

And Donovan McNabb. Rib injury, chest injury, sports hernia. All a guise for the real diagnosis of bird flu?

It’s a similar affliction suffered by Jamal Lewis and the rest of his Ravens teammates? I’m sure that little stint in jail didn’t help Lewis, but c’mon! His numbers are brutal and he is losing carries now to backup Chester Taylor.
I know ravens are more prone to West Nile virus, but perhaps there has been some undetected crossover to bird flu.

Even the Atlanta Falcons (7-4) were expected to be contending for a conference title, instead of gliding along behind the Panthers and Bucs.

I would hate to blame the lousy performances by the Arizona Cardinals (3-8) and Atlanta Hawks (2-10) on bird flu. They would probably suck even if perfectly healthy.

Indeed, even unfeathered things that fly have been affected.
- Rockets. Tracy McGrady and Co. slumped to a 3-11 start.
- Bullets. Washington has lost 6 of 7 after starting 5-1.
- Jets. New York sits at 2-9 after Sunday's loss

It seems only the Seattle Seahawks at 9-2, Oregon Ducks at 10-1 and Giants punter Jeff Feagles (rhymes with eagles) who played his record 283rd consecutive game Sunday have escaped the ravages of fantasy bird flu.

But it was this signing that has Jimmy most convinced that bird flu is alive and possibly causing brain paralysis.

The Toronto Blue Jays (another possible West Nile case) have apparently signed Baltimore Oriole (another bird, getting suspicious?) closer B.J. Ryan to a five-year, $47-million contract.

For the uninitiated, B.J. has one decent season under his wings. The hulking lefty struck out 122 in 87 innings last year and saved 36 of 41 chances. But the deal would fly higher than the $40 million one signed by Yankee Mariano Rivera, the most feared and hawkish closer in the game.

Perhaps there is more at play here, but Jimmy suspects that Toronto GM J.P.
Ricciardi is suffering from the advanced stages of bird flu. My sources tell me he has built himself a nest in a big tree outside his home, is on a strict birdseed diet and is complaining that his plumage is not as pretty as it was last year.

Oh yeah, and that he simply bid so high because B.J. is short for Blue Jays and that he plans to use him as a really-well-paid setup man to Miguel Batista.
It’s enough to conjure up images of Alfred Hitchcock’s kooky feathered thriller.

Boston Pizza Pick ‘Em Update

Past the mid-season mark and the contestants in Jimmy D’s football contest are heading home in good shape.

Derrick Whynot of Liverpool and Jimmy Cook of Coldbrook (always good to see a Jimmy doing well) tied for the week win last weekend.
The new gamesheet, along with matchup reports, injury updates and more are available at www.JimmyDSports.com

In the meantime, get busy, get lucky and get educated about the effects of bird flu on any of your fantasy Hawks, Eagles, Cardinals or Falcons.

Jimmy D