By JIMMY D / Jimmy resolves to do the following in 2008.... | Jimmy's archive

It’s New Year’s Eve and resolutions are flying faster than pigskins out of  perfect Tom Brady’s shotgun. If you haven’t picked any, check Jimmy’s list for some ideas.

Jimmy D resolves

- to stay on the wagon and off the Patriots bandwagon.

- to never let the computer auto-pick his NHL head-to-head league team again (the damn thing drafted hated Devil and Ranger underachievers like Brian Gionta and Chris Drury).

- to focus more energies on looking ahead than on looking back, because, as Satchel Paige so sagely noted, “something might be gaining on you.”

- to never protest the presence of Jessica Simpson at any sporting event under any circumstances (what the hell is the matter with you Dallas people?? )

- to not pick Shaun Alexander in next year’s NFL draft unless he does something special to prove 2007 was a downward aberration

- to make sure assist and steals machine Chris Paul is always a member of every Jimmy D fantasy basketball roster

- to enter his first NASCAR pool and kick the red-neck posteriors of some of his fantasy colleagues

- to bet the NFC to cover the spread in Super Bowl XLII regardless of who is playing

- to pick the right No. 12 seeds to win in upsets in his 2008 March Madness bracket contest

- to find a proper home for that red 1960 Chevy Impala

- to put a bigger engine and fancy rims on that 1972 Ford Pinto

- to temper his fantasy man-crush on Eagle RB Brian Westbrook (who is, incidentally, the best player in the NFL).

Other New Year’s Fantasy Resolutions

Tom Brady – resolves to have only one leggy supermodel girlfriend on the go at one time (although it did seem to have a dramatically positive effect on his season). You could share with the rest of us, y’know Tom… (See also Tony Romo).

Flyers GM Paul Holmgren – resolves to trade one of his young offensive studs for a big center who can actually play some defence (that Jeff Carter for Ryan Kesler rumour from back in November sure sounded good to Jimmy D). He can afford to peddle an established young player with Claude Giroux, Denis Tolpecko and Steve Downie nearly ready for prime time.

Bud Selig – resolves to continue saying all the right things concerning steroids and doing nothing to help.

Roger Clemens – resolves to be a man and stand up in front of the masses and explain his side of the steroids mess instead of hiding behind lawyers and prepared statements. (See also Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa etc etc).

Michael Vick – resolves to spend his time in jail doing anything imaginable to try to polish his doomed reputation. This shall include lecturing inmates, doing community service simulcasts from his cell and generally doing and saying everything possible in a positive vein. If he does, put him on your draft lists for the 2009 season. 

Dominik Hasek – resolves to nurse that tricky groin through a full season and into the playoffs.

Chris Osgood – resolves to play competent second fiddle to Hasek so the Dominator can rest.

Isiah Thomas – resolves to un-retire and play point guard for the Knicks to try to make people forget how pathetic he has been as a GM and coach.

Michael Jordan – resolves to un-retire and play shooting guard for the Bobcats to try to remind people that he still exists.

Randy Moss – resolves to do or say something stupid (after a full season of not doing so) to give football scribes something fun to write about.

Sidney Crosby – resolves to go on a second-half tear that yields his second of many Art Ross and Hart Trophies.

Maple Leaf fans – resolve to not start up Stanley Cup parade preparations after every two-game winning streak. C’mon people, look at your roster. Trade Sundin and try to finish last overall to get a decent draft pick.

Jacksonville Jaguars – resolve to not brag too much when they win Super Bowl XLII (you read it here first).

San Antonio Spur fans – resolve to not yawn publicly when their team wins the NBA title yet again over some Eastern Conference pretender (not the Boston Celtics).

Stay busy, stay safe on New Year’s Eve, stay off the highways if you’re drinking, stay lucky.

Questions, comments, New Year’s salutations? Email Jimmy jpoole@herald.ca

Jimmy D