By JIMMY D / How to fix the NHL Jimmy-style | Jimmy's archive

The lockout was supposed to cure this.

The salary cap was certainly supposed to cure this.

It seems neither was the tonic the struggling league needed.

Realistically, the post-lockout regime had the potential to see small-market teams like Buffalo and Edmonton thrive. It also rekindled hope that Winnipeg might get a team back or that tiny-market Hamilton could land and support an NHL team.

It looks like a sick joke now but nobody is laughing in Buffalo, whose roster sat on July 1 like a big fresh carcass beneath a vulture nest. Co-captains Daniel Briere and Chris Drury gone, lured by whopper contracts to Philly and Broadway.

Dainius Zubrus, the talented winger who might have stayed to play for a Cup contender, was filched a day later by the Devils. And then a desperate move by the small-market-cousin Oilers forced Sabres management to potentially wreck everything they worked to create.

Edmonton signed free agent Thomas Vanek to seven years and $50 million. A young talent for sure, but deserving of $50 million after just one solid season? Of course not and the Sabres would have never offered it. Now, the team’s carefully planned salary structure – the model that allowed it to rise to NHL prominence – is screwed for good.

Now the Sabres, who don’t want to spend the full $50 million cap, will hardly be able to put talent around Vanek.

Edmonton is in even worse shape. Not only is its roster littered with mediocre players, it suffers from having its heart ripped out when Ryan Smyth shed his crocodile tears and chased the money. Now the team can’t seem to attract any free agents.

Chris Pronger left town last season reportedly because his wife hated those frosty northern-Alberta mornings. The much ballyhooed Michael Nylander contract reneging ended with a similar punch line.

GM Kevin Lowe said Nylander’s wife “freaked” at the prospect of living in Canada’s equivalent of Siberia.

So the Oilers must either overpay for players (pay a Cold Premium) or settle for second- and third-tier players who can handle the cold as long as there is cold, hard cash.

Anyone hoping to bring a team to Hamilton now faces a triple whammy. Small market, cold winter and who wants to hang out in a dirty steel town? And if you think it gets cold in Edmonton, give streaking a try in Winnipeg in mid-January.

Maybe Tampa Bay is struggling to recruit players because getting sand in your jock is really painful. And maybe Nashville will soon be a former NHL city, not because of poor attendance or the fact there are only 63 fans in all of Tennessee, but because players can’t stand all that hillbilly twang music.

Jimmy hates the idea of contraction. Relocation is better for fans and for the history books. But the league is running out of relocation locations.

Kansas City? Been there, done that. Las Vegas? Fun, for sure. Viable long-term? Forget it. Halifax? Hockey needs more than an itsy-bitsy market that gives up on the Commonwealth Games and can’t even land a stupid concert.

Nope, just two years after the lockout catastrophe, the league is heading back down the same road under the stewardship of Gary Bettman (speaking of sick jokes).

The Sabres get penalized for being good businessmen and the Oilers can’t afford to keep anyone (and even if they can, they have to worry about cranky wives freezing their patooties.)

Jimmy’s solution?

Move Tampa to Quebec City. Move the new team into Montreal’s division, fix up the Colisee. Vinny Lecavalier and Martin St. Louis offer enough francophone content to keep folks happy.

Move Florida to Philadelphia. The city can easily support two teams (and the city of sports losers can suffer from having two teams that will never win the Cup).

Move Nashville to Hamilton. Compensate the Leafs and Sabres by offering them dibs on any free agents whose whiney wives refuse to live there.

Move Carolina back to Hartford. Hire Ron Francis as coach and GM. Offer to also re-locate the 45 true hockey fans in North Carolina to nice neighbourhoods in Connecticut and give them season tickets for life.

Move Phoenix back to Winnipeg. Too hot in the desert, too cold in Winterpeg – what’s the difference? The difference is Manitobans know hockey and give a &*#t about hockey. Sorry, Wayne. Go back and help the Oilers.
Problem solved. No joking.

All-Star Break for Jimmy fantasy

The All-Star Game couldn’t come soon enough for Jimmy D’s slumping fantasy roster.

Alleged stud Carl Crawford continues to struggle, the Reggie Willits Experiment started late and fell flat and Miguel Tejada continues to languish on the DL.

But it was the starting pitching that was a real bloodbath last week.

Bart Colon lasted two innings against the Yankees and gave up seven earned runs. And that was golden compared with Jon Garland’s three-plus innings of 11 earned-run garbage against the Twins.

Chris Capuano also lasted just three-plus innings, which hardly rewarded Jimmy’s patience in waiting for him to come off the DL. (Jimmy waived him pronto and picked up Oriole rookie Jeremy Guthrie who has been dazzling, although Jimmy is worried that he seems to credit divine intervention for his sudden success at age 28.)

Jimmy also ditched Colon, picking up Atlanta’s Chuck James for a trial run. He faces the Pirates this week after the All-Star Game.

Stay busy, stay lucky.

Jimmy D