By JIMMY D / Valentine's Day fantasy, Jimmy-style | Jimmy's archive

Jimmy knows that everyone in Jimmy Nation frets at this time each year over what to buy that special man in his or her life.

In the world of fantasy sports, Valentine’s Day is special, so here are some ideas for the players in your life (and on your rosters).

For Drew Brees (and fantasy GMs who own him):
A full-day spa treatment on his freshly dislocated elbow to ensure the honeymoon is not over on his 4,418-yard, 26-touchdown season. Is there any sport on the planet where a friendly all-star game is less appropriate?

Go to the Pro Bowl, soak up some Hawaiian sun, try not to play hard so you won’t hurt anyone or get hurt. Stupid, they should all quaff ales, munch chicken wings and play a fantasy contest or Madden 2006.

For Peter Forsberg:
A gift certificate to Canadian Tire so he can shop til he drops looking for a new pair of skates to soothe that cantankerous ankle. Failing that, the complete DVD set of the Six Million Dollar Man series so he can explore bionics to rebuild him, make him stronger, faster while he sits on the injured list.

For Alex Rodriguez (he is a handsome devil):
What can you possibly buy for the $25-million-a-year Yankee slugger who seemingly has everything and still can’t seem to find any love from the fans in the Bronx? How about violin lessons, so he can pen a whiney, pathetic symphony and hope to increase fan sympathy or maybe learn Bohemian Rhapsody.
“I’m just a poor boy,
Nobody loves me.
He’s just a poor boy!
From a poor family!
Spare him his life for this monstrosity!”

For Steve Nash:
A shoulder massage from all his Phoenix Sun teammates who should feel guilty that poor little Stevie is carrying that team on his scrawny back. The guy breaks down for a couple of days and the love stops immediately with four losses in seven games (after a 17-game win streak).

For Teemu Selanne:
A ring. Yes, it’s time for the Finnish Flash to consummate his splendid career and to celebrate his beautiful revival with a Stanley Cup ring. And in Anaheim, with a stellar cast of groomsmen and two Best D-Men in Niedermayer and Pronger, 2007 should be the year to finally say ‘I do’ for Teemu.

For the Cincinnati Bengals:
Money-saving coupons for group legal services (eight of them were arrested prior to or during the 2006 season and cornerback Johnathan Joseph was picked up on pot charges in 2007). And for WR Chris Henry, an escort service ride straight out of town after his fourth arrest during his Bengal tenure.

For Barry Bonds:
A bouquet of roses, so he can stop and smell them and respectfully savor the moment as he marches gloriously to the all-time homer record. Or more likely, so he could kick them over, complain that someone probably put them there in hopes he would prick his finger on a thorn or that they would carry allergens to make him sneeze because everyone wants him to fail and everyone loves Hank and Babe more than me.

For Carmelo Anthony:
A pedicure and a stationary bike so he can get in good shape to run like crazy after throwing his next sucker punch. The pedicure will correct any nail damage he sustains in slapping people.

For Terrell Owens:
Chocolates to sweeten up the mercurial wideout before new Cowboy coach Wade Phillips sours on him and runs him out of town. The chocolates should be monogrammed with ‘TO’ so that Owens will feel they are worthy of being eaten.

For former Mets manager Bobby Valentine and former Expo favorite Ellis Valentine:
Some gratuitous mention in some idiot fantasy columnist’s article today.

Dave-tona 500?

Three of the most recognizable names in NASCAR have won the past three Daytona 500s: Jimmie Johnson, Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt, jr.

So what the heck is going on at the pole for Saturday’s seasoning-opening classic when a trio of little-known Daves - Gilliliand, Stremme, Ragan – and that former open-wheel dude Juan Pablo Montoya have grabbed the starting positions?

Does this signal a changing of the guard for the round-and-round sport? Hardly.

Gilliland is so far a flash in the pavement, winning the Busch circuit in surprising fashion last year and earning a spot on the Robert Yates Racing team. Montoya is only a year removed from real racing and is still un-training his brain and skills.

Nope, the 2007 edition of the race by the beach will be won by one of the big names, possibly Tony Stewart who won the pre-race Budweiser Shootout on Saturday.

Stay busy, stay lucky.

Jimmy D