By JIMMY D / The Worst Fantasy Football Team Ever | Jimmy's archive

You know the percentages, especially if you play Yahoo! and other mainstream fantasy leagues.

You set your lineup and Yahoo! tells you what percentage of other GMs are starting those players. So normally, your hotshot roster includes an LT (usually starting on between 99 and 100 per cent of leagues), a Brett Favre at 95 per cent and maybe a WR such as Chad Johnson at 91 per cent.

Seldom do you have a player in your lineup in the 50-per-cent range or lower, because they are simply not good – or popular – choices.

Have you ever looked at a roster and seen no players higher than 38 per cent? Neither had Jimmy D before this week’s fantasy football debacle. With Brian Westbrook, Willie Parker and Marques Colston all hurt, with Julius Jones, Marvin Harrison and Roy Williams on bye weeks and with 49er Bryant Johnson held out against the Saints, it was a scramble to fill the roster for the Jimmyville Gremlins.

Jason Campbell performed yeoman duty as the QB. RB Chris Perry was awful for the Bengals and Rashard Mendenhall (plucked off waivers this week when Parker went down) was set to go in the Monday Nighter for the Steelers against Baltimore. Bernard Berrian was lame for the Vikings and Derrick Mason and Todd Heap were set to go Monday as well.

It was a sad roster and a second straight losing week for the Gremlins.

Ice Gremlins born Friday

Jimmy D and hockey pool co-manager son Julian were busy cutting and splitting wood Friday afternoon. That is not usually a key development, but both forgot about the annual Yahoo! hockey draft happening at 3 p.m.

The result was the Jimmy Jules Ice Gremlins were picked primarily by the Yahoo! computer. There is good and bad that goes with auto-pilot.

On the good side, you are able to set your do-not-draft list in advance and not have second thoughts when it’s your turn to pick. No draft-day hemming and hawing and wishy-washing yourself into a frenzy.

In this case, that meant keeping Evgeni Malkin off the roster. Mark Jimmy’s words – Malkin will never again have the 100-point success he enjoyed last year. He is a softy suck who got wacked around by Philly and Detroit in the playoffs and is just an ordinary player when you are physical with him.

Since power-play points, shots on goal and penalty minutes are positive categories, the Gremlins slotted Jarome Iginla at No. 3 and got him.

For the same reasons, another Flame, Dion Phaneuf, was the second pick. The auto-picker also snatched Martin St. Louis, new captain Mike Richards and concussion-comeback hopeful Simon Gagne from the Flyers, along with steady Red Wing power-play pointman Bryan Rafalski.

On the bad side, you miss the fun of draft day and the computer isn’t smart enough to realize when a run on goalies is happening. So instead of jumping in when starting goalies started falling off the draft board faster than talent off the Leafs roster, the computer paid no attention until Round 10.

Thankfully, Coyote stopper Ilya Bryzgalov, new Chicago starter Cristobal Huet and Islander lifer Rock Dipietro were available in the later rounds.

Newman’s own style

Jimmy seldom stoops to acknowledging the passing of non-sports personalities in this space, but it’s different for Paul Newman (mainly because Mrs. Jimmy had the major hots for him). The former college football player’s acting career was sprinkled generously with sports roles, making his death this weekend worthy of mention.

He was boxer Rocky Graziano in Somebody Up There Likes Me . He was pool shark Fast Eddie Felson in The Hustler and in 1986’s Color of Money (back when Tom Cruise wasn’t a hyperactive, Scientologist wack job).

He even took up auto racing for real when he got bored with acting and finished second in the 1975 Le Mans 24-hour competition. And his final role was as the voice of Doc Hudson in the Disney NASCAR movie Cars two years ago.

From all accounts, the man who died of cancer at 83 last week was a swell husband, terrific philanthropist (all post-tax profit from his salad dressing brand went to charity, surpassing the $225 million mark this year) and all-round cool cat. He even tried out for a role alongside Jimmy D namesake James Dean – the coolest of the cool - in 1955’s East of Eden but didn’t get the part.

But to many, including Jimmy D, he was Reggie Dunlop – the acid-tongued, scheming player-coach of the Charlestown Chiefs in Slapshot. In that role, he unleashed the stick-swinging, haymaker-chucking hounds known as the Hanson Brothers on the Federal League and sports-movie lore.

Slapshot still manages to slash and slew-foot its way into Best Sports Movie of Alltime lists and merits a screening this week in your house as a tribute to Newman.

As you watch it, keep an eye out for a chubby-faced Hyannisport player and see if you can recognize him as one-time Nova Scotia Oiler and current Washington Capital coach Bruce Boudreau.

Hockey draft week, so stay busy and stay lucky.

jpoole@herald.ca